I just went toe-to-toe with a vampire who insists on returning to my life. Here's the trouble: I love her (platonically or professionally; this is NOT romantic love/about my wife), and I do feel that her disturbing unwellness does not reflect the butterfly within, sort to speak. It gets in her way. Aside from her professionally diagnosed disorders, I consider this to be an additional type of sickness, and I despise the sickness, not the person. I think of it like a behavioral disability which she cannot currently control with the life-tools in her arsenal. I find her responsible for her actions, but I don't hate *her* for her sickness. I really want to make it clear that they're separate in my book. Illness doesn't need to define us, and it's clear when the sickness is talking vs when it's her. That sickness though... She has good days and bad days. Several years ago I couldn't tell which were which, and I feel that the majority of those who know her still can't. She can't help herself from what she does because she doesn't understand what she does and she doesn't see how what she does is wrong...She is a deeply empathetic, caring, and creative individual. ...She's just also psychologically abusive, detrimentally manipulative, and intimidatingly controlling under certain conditions. She needs to continue working to get this under control, but she can't yet visualize the reach of it, as I mentioned. But I decided a while ago to not endure that part of her anymore. I decided that even though I loved her, I wasn't going to be used by her darker days. And so: I pushed back. It was very uncomfortable for her. She wasn't accustomed to people holding her so much to her behavior, and she had to adjust, to 'sink or swim,' if you will: and she floundered. My rule setting wasn't rude or aggressive, it was honoring me, my boundaries and my needs. This was a decision I made when I 'came to' about the situation, and realized that I was still enduring and making excuses for her behavioral illness--but no, not anymore. Enough was enough. I am a Satanist, not a Christian, and I am bound to my true beliefs and not those which were whispered in my ear at cribside. She would always be welcome at my door, but her illness would not be. Eventually days got brighter after my new rules were set, but recently they've tipped off the deep end again, and the conversation we just had included quite the high dose of self delusion on her part in addition to what I mentioned before. She really can't see the writing on the wall, and so I think she continues to be surprised when I point to it and read it to her. My gesture to reality sent her into a paranoid and confused emotional overload, and she's already cut off all contact with me (again). Before I would have worried about the state she fled my company in. Now I do not. I know she'll be all right, she has caregivers who will enable those delusions. I'll be demonized for a while, but then a few weeks to a month down the road she will reach out to me again...because I am addictive to her and I have what she craves. (I also have the power to refuse her access, which I have done in the past as well as a part of my boundary-honoring and to remind her that to be a recipient of my love is bliss, and that to be out of my grace is dull, boring, and cold.) Overall, it leaves you feeling a bit strange, doesn't it? It's funny, at first I felt a bit yucky (for lack of a better word) for imposing reality into her daydream. For some strange reason, and maybe it was the genuine horror and stress in her voice, I felt like I was betraying *her* for honoring myself and keeping her grounded in the real world. You know, in a way I was. Our disagreement was over her analysis and perspective of a situation and I am still bowled over that her vision is so dramatically distorted during these periodic episodes. It isn't always easy to deal with psychic vampires, even those you're well aware of and who you keep at a safe arm's length, and this can be one of the reasons why: they drag you into how they see the world, mute your truths with their own, and you, inexperienced as you are with this phenomenon, either become submissive or become a statue. I care about her, but it's important to keep my perspective and see what's really going on here--and not fall a slave to her delusion like that. There is something I do know above all else: I serve nobody. I am a goddess. I am a queen. I'm not unapologetic about the situation she's in. It must be a real burden to have the sort of trouble she has, and to have walked the road that she's walked. I think that as we grow older and our emotional intelligence increases, we can see these areas of gray in the people we know. In youth it's easy to be headstrong, pursue the strength of ego, and discount those around you. It's easy to burn a bridge through indifference and apathy, but sometimes the people around you which maybe described as "toxic" you cannot or choose not to cut from your life. It can be confusing sometimes due to how much you do love someone vs how dangerous they could be to you. I may not have come out and said this before, but I think at this point it's worth saying very plainly: the wisdom you find in the rhetoric and manifestos of Peter Gilmore and Anton LaVey are wise, but are not a formula for a successful life. There is a heavy dose of interpretation and application required, and their perspective is about an overall situation without any complications whatsoever. If you take their words and adhere them to every situation, you will grow miserable, and frankly, that's not what they suggest you do, either. Indulge in their perspective. Do not apply it compulsively. Had I applied the philosophy that I understood them to advise ('cut out vampires! They aren't worth your time!') verbatim in this scenario it would have hurt me because I would have abandoned HER. She is a wonderful person who brings me joy and who yes, is deserving of love - it's the SICKNESS that I cannot tolerate, and the vampiric behavior which I do not stand for. So, I won't abide it. Vampirism is a behavioral illness in my book. The only way to inoculate (you cannot cure them) is to set boundaries and maintain them. Honor yourself by acknowledging your limits and holding fast to them! Those who love you will ultimately honor them as well. When they are in their right state, they would be ashamed of their own behavior, just as you would be if you were the vampire. If they don't, they will give up. Either way, it ends in a healthier way, as it should when dealing with a vampire who you care for. I wish you the best aim with your wooden stakes. Be wary of a one-size-fits-all solution, and let your inner truth guide you. Remember to keep perspective. Sometimes we have to teach others knowledge which we take for granted. Teach them how to treat you (by using boundaries and feedback) if it's worth your happiness. You'll both be happier for it in the end, and that's worth the effort. Where to next?
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Who is the Witch?
Once I called myself a Christian, then an atheist, and a Satanist. At the end of the day, I'm just a person who is living her truth one day at a time. I'm interested in religion, its effects on the mind, the occult, and more. Learn more about me on the about page. Hellish History
November 2021
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