I used to think that I wasn’t a family person but now I identify as extremely family oriented because I want to spend all my time with my closest friends and family—the community that I have selected for myself. These communities are special, and they are unique to each person. It takes time to develop the relationships within them, and so it’s no wonder that after so much bonding, they’re something that we feel we can’t do without. It can be very difficult to make the right decision for yourself when you feel that the very thing that binds the group is the thing that you’re giving up. For example, if you are a Christian, and you give up your faith, you no longer go to Bible Study, but that may be where all of your friends are. Fear of loss freezes us from taking risks, and when it comes to apostasy and our communities it is no different. There are lessons to be learned and things to be considered regarding the interpersonal communities that we leave behind, but in the end, I have found that the true pain of losing some loved ones was still worth it from what I have gained from those I haven’t lost.

I’ve noticed something about human nature. It’s that: when we don’t have an answer to something, we try to find reason for it. Ordinarily this isn’t a bad trait for humans, but it can go devastatingly wrong when we don’t find what we think we should be looking for. While our quest for reason has helped shape the scene of modern science, for example, the inability to ask questions—or even the right questions—will have people remaining in an apostate’s old religion making up their own reasons for why something happened the way it did. It’s human nature, there’s no way around it. You might think, “well, the apostate could do a better job explaining these things,” but they’re not always able to do that, and for any number of reasons (We’ll tackle misconceptions of satanic apostasy in another blog). The bottom line however, is that failure to understand something doesn’t mean that it’s appropriate to speak for someone else, or to make up an answer on your own. I think that the questions that have been asked around my apostasy come from a good place, but they’re not the questions that will help you understand it. In order to find those questions, you need to first understand how it is false that “a Satanist is born, not made.” A person very well can be made into a Satanist, I have come to realize (in stark contrast to my tribalistic mantras of the past), since I made myself a true Satanist.

A few days ago I pulled through to the finish line of something that I’ve been eyeing for the past few years. I did it. Again. I achieved apostasy again. Do I regret it? No. Actually, I feel the same way I did the first time, except maybe better, because not only have I proven to myself that I am stronger than religious framework that seeks to defeat me, I did it on my own but while fueled with the love and care of those who matter to me.

You'll probably want to read this story.

Myth busting in Satanism is a problem.

Hold on, I don’t think you read that correctly, because you’re agreeing with me. Let me try again: MYTH BUSTING is the problem, not the “lack of myth busting.” Yes, myth busting itself. (Okay, now we’re on the same page.) It’s true. I don’t feel comforted to know that people are trying to “explain Satanism.” In fact, some days I’m afraid it may give me an ulcer. I know that something is about to be shared that isn’t true. I know that someone’s going to walk away feeling educated, even though they are more than likely farther from their target than before. Even Satanists who accurately identify as Satanists often say the wrong thing when they’re trying to “help dispel misconceptions.” It’s horrible. You wouldn’t think this would be an issue since it’s not an issue in other belief systems, but no, it is, and it’s entirely unnecessary because the authorities in Satanism have made it very clear:

I have concerns.

In the years that I have been a member of the Satanic community overall, I have seen many things, but one thing I am not seeing is something so important that its absence frightens me... Am I the only one that noticed the Satanic population's tribalistic absolution of our own hypocrisy here in Satanism? Or, am I simply one of the few who knows it to exist? I tremble to imagine it's tribalism, and plea to all that is good that it's only simple ignorance, and therefore not hypocritical in itself. I choose to believe that the problem we have here is lack of awareness toward the hypocrisies of Satanism, and I choose to believe that it is not willful.

But, why should Satanism stand alone against the same trials that we use to mock other religions? Is it somehow better, just because it's ours? Does something only deserve to be put to the test when it pisses us off?

Although this is the internet and we have the technology to go back and edit websites whenever we want, once I release a blog, I consider it published and unchangeable. You may find that sometimes my opinion or stance on some particular concept evolves over time, but I will not go back and change what I have written in the past. I believe that it shows growth, which is something to be proud of, not something to hide. However, this only works when it's a major opinion in the blog, the focus of the blog, or some other significantly visible aspect that can be tested and disputed. It is not the case when the framework of the narrative includes language that may indirectly suggest something that contradicts with the overall message.

Everything burns in January. It’s not only furnace flames that lap at the dried timber and kindling, but the way the icicles pop and snap from their rooftop perches when the shattering cold mercilessly bullies even them. It’s the way the forest sings in creaks and sighs, and the way its pine needles bristle against one another, as if the trees whisper dark secrets to one another about an unstoppable impending doom. Animals gently leave their mark in white beneath the glassy branches, suffering the oppressive gnaw of chill upon their noses, ears, and other sacrificed tips, all under the pale torch of a moonlit sky. This is the season of Belial.

​Thank-you for your incredibly heartwarming and positive feedback. You tell me frequently that this blog been helpful to you on your journey to understand your "Satanic Black Flame," and it’s wonderful to hear that you appreciate hearing my hot-take on aspects of life as a Satanist. I appreciate your enthusiasm for my writing; you may or may not be aware, but there is little more rewarding for a writer than to hear that their words are read (and if they’re lucky, appreciated!)

If that were me--and it was when I registered with the Church of Satan—I’d want to know how I could give back and say “thanks," but maybe I wouldn't know how. You may be surprised how simple it is. There are two easy ways.

​Satanists get a bad rap when it comes to self-prioritization. I’ve gotten into my fair share of “debates” regarding the selfishness of Satanists as a whole, and they never really resembled a “debate” as much as a chilling exposure of how preconceived notions and half-assed understandings can so deeply wound a person’s impression of us. Left unchallenged, it steeps like a rancid odor, and before anyone can notice, a full-fledged and completely misdirected prejudice evolves from the mold. One conversation regarding “What’s best for the group vs what’s best for the individual” comes to mind. The person I was speaking with was adamant that the group’s needs should always win-out in such conflict. I continue to disagree with their position. Just because the herd wants something doesn’t mean it’s good for them. Hello, have we heard of the Holocaust? How about politics in general?

Once I wrote a letter to a personality I called “the Arrogant Apprentice.” This personality archetype is the individual who says they want to research Satanism but won’t do anything to actually learn it. Instead, they seem to think that we can transfer information via the cloud (what would the Hell version of “cloud” be? Smog?) in some sort of fantastical automatic download. They don’t want to spend the time learning Satanism, they just want to already know it, and they want to know it yesterday! They want to be able to take the perceived “arcane” information and turn around to dangle it in front of their friends as a way to feel knowledgeable and superior. After all, look at how fast they learned the religion! Good thing they hooked up with a real Satanist who was able to just explode all this information at them—because in their eyes, that’s exactly what’s normal. They grew up in a world where people are constantly trying to convince them to join their side. Not so with Satanism. We couldn’t care less. Maybe that’s why we react the way we do with respect to their approach with the Satanic Bible?

​Panic! Panic, panic, panic! Panic, panic—when we panic not only have trouble thinking of anything else, we stop thinking entirely. We enter a fight-or-flight mode that once upon a time probably was quite helpful to motivate us out of a dangerous situation, but in the modern era we war against a threat that we can’t outrun. It stays with us then, and it lingers like an odor that we can’t quite wash from our minds. In times like these it’s a daily struggle to evict it from that dark corner of our brain, and all the while it grows like a stubborn black mold over our logical processes, hiding them from us completely. What hope can we have to successfully work through a problem if we can’t reach the tools to solve it with? How can we defeat our internal fears when external ‘validations’ are only feeding the issue? I’ll tell you what: you’re better than this cycle. You’re much better. You’re stronger, and you deserve more than to feel insecure about what’s going to happen in the next few weeks, in the next few months. Let’s put an end to that line of thinking right now… Solid ground isn’t so difficult to find when you know how to go about finding it.

This blog is dedicated to “Satanic styled” self-care during the Coronavirus pandemic, specifically with respect to handling stress and anxiety about the uncertain nature of the situation. I’m not a doctor, this isn’t medical advice, I am just a friend. I am writing these words because I want to inspire you to take control of your situation. As helpless as you feel, you aren’t. You’re a god. You alone are in charge of your fate, and you’re doing the right thing by seeking a different perspective on the matter. Let’s not let you down.

To my knowledge, I have never been a consumer of conspiracy theories. I’m sure that maybe here and there one or two of them have a solitary lick of truth to them, but aside from that I just don’t see the point in putting all of that suspicious energy into something intangible when you could purpose that energy into something productive and useful. That said, there are indeed some outrageous tales of truth out there that if not for the undeniable evidence in support, we’d all prefer to write off as myth, hoax, and simple defamation. There’s a fine line in this. We all have our own, it’s that point where we accept responsibility for ourselves instead of harboring the expectation that other people will always have our best interests at heart instead of theirs.

Deconversion is a perpetual topic in my Satanic corner of the world. When you reach out to me about my experiences, I hear a lot of folks saying that they are coming from a Christian background but they are beginning to question if their god exists and they don’t know where to go from here. The mere fact that I receive these questions tells me that there are people out there who feel trapped and already know that they aren’t Christian, but who can’t fully emancipate themselves from it. As Satanists we have options available to us for breaking past religious influence such as the Black Mass (I mean, hah, don’t make me define “available!”) but those who haven’t yet crossed the line in the sand are still in bondage. These, you folks, you don’t feel like you have any tools to help you free yourself because of the influence that religion continues to have on you, even if you’re unhappy. Thankfully, you’re wrong. Yeah, you’re wrong, aren’t you happy to hear that? You, like the rest of us, have magic within you. You can break imaginary chains with that power if you know how to use that magic. I did it. I used that power on myself and I’ll show you how.

There are some topics which I know I could go on for decades, for centuries about. I’m going to do my best here to prevent this from turning into an endless rant, because I know what goes into a good story, and there is nothing good about this one. This is something that all Satanists, I boldly propose and declare, have encountered. This is something that makes us all ball our hands (even in our minds!) throw them into the air, and bellow a loud “No, you stupid fuck!!” Stupidity, as you may be aware, is one of our sins, and so you can feel assured at the degree this subject grates on us. A rant is overdue. A rant is far overdue.

Like all good stories, this one was unexpected and came about through a series of coincidental events which I could never have expected to unravel the way that they had. If you’d asked me about this in 2016, I would have said to you that it was impossible, that it wasn’t in my plans, and so it would never happen…but the writers of the world will nod with their faint knowing smirks at the truth that sometimes imagination takes us by the scruff of the neck and holds us hostage to where passion drives us. What we plan isn’t necessarily what we end up doing, and by the end of it, nothing is ever as straightforward as it seems.