A few days ago I pulled through to the finish line of something that I’ve been eyeing for the past few years. I did it. Again. I achieved apostasy again. Do I regret it? No. Actually, I feel the same way I did the first time, except maybe better, because not only have I proven to myself that I am stronger than religious framework that seeks to defeat me, I did it on my own but while fueled with the love and care of those who matter to me.
You'll probably want to read this story.
My first apostasy was a journey that took place within, and only within. It was something that took at least five years, if not ten, I have trouble remembering unless I’m reviewing my journals from the era. I think the major difference between this later experience and the prior one is that I was raised in Christianity, and so I was in it for much longer, making it more difficult to leave. I also have experience behind me now that I didn’t have behind me the first time (I know what it’s like to do this), but none of that minimizes the struggle that we go through when we are trying to figure out who we are, what we believe, and where we fit into the world of spiritualism and naturalism. It doesn’t matter if you’ve left prior belief systems when you achieve apostasy, I realize. The fact that you’ve committed to any belief system to the extent that you could even consider it apostasy when you leave speaks to the commitment that you offered it, and so when apostasy is on your radar, it means that this is a big thing, a life changing thing, and in my experience it tells me that things are going to get better.
So, I’m no longer a Satanist. I woke up on my birthday and it was as if I had just been told that something I was apathetic toward had gone missing in the night. I remember opening my eyes, feeling strangely awake, feeling different, and just knowing that that was it, there was no more Satanist left in me. No more confusion, no more anything. It wasn’t a gift, it was a decision. For whatever reason, when I woke up on that September day, I decided that it wasn’t that I might walk away—I realized that I ALREADY HAD. It was a little humorous how easy it was after I put it into perspective for myself: Satanism is a system of beliefs that were designed by a human being over 50 years ago, and with each passing year it loses relevancy in my life.
I want to pause here and say something important though. I knew that Satanism wasn’t a perfect fit back when I first got into it, but I read up on it anyway because I felt it was a “good enough” fit. I had no intention on changing who I was to fit in, and from what I could tell at the time, I absolutely wasn’t changing at all. However, can you really call it “change” if what you’re doing is simply locking away parts of yourself that you don’t use? The process of how Satanism affected me was nearly conniving. It wasn’t quite what I’d call a “rebound” religion from Christianity because I had embraced atheism in between, but I did see Satanism as a “correction” in my life from the harms that Christianity had caused in me. If Christianity had kept me on my knees, Satanism had pulled me to my feet and told me that it was okay to walk…. But what I didn’t consider was where Satanism was leading me to walk to. Instead, I committed to the belief that Satanism was saving the part of me that Christianity had tried to kill, and I began to walk down the halls of a religious framework both foreign and firm.
I think I’m lucky. I really do. I think to myself now, today, sitting here, talking to you, “Wow. What if I had never had Christianity? Would I have ever been able to identify what was happening to me in Satanism? Would I ever have been able to see through its walls if I didn’t realize that there was something on the other side?” I still have some friends who do not see that. They’re not ready to. They wanted to be, but they couldn’t admit it to themselves, and so I’ve taken some actions these past few days to help them keep their peace.
I left Satanists Amino. It was like leaving a church, and I think that’s why it was so difficult to do. I should have left three years ago, but I couldn’t because I have come to love the people who haunt its premises… But as time went on, the vibe changed. It changed in me, it changed in the atmosphere, in the world, everywhere. Simply being there felt insufferable for me. I couldn’t allow myself to poison the environment for those who deserve to enjoy it.
But it was in Satanists Amino that I think I caused the most suffering in others. I don’t mean in terms of being a group leader, but in terms of how Satanism invigorated me to “correct misconceptions” about the religion. You will find that in anything the us vs them dynamic can be especially motivating and in this sense it was no different. I think back on some of the perspectives I had while under Satanism’s influence and I simply have to forgive myself. It’s an interesting experience being able to realize this so quickly after formalizing my achievement of leaving the religion, but here I am, doing exactly that, and it’s deeply intriguing to me that it’s possible. I consider that perhaps I really was under its influence in the same way that alcohol clouds the mind and lowers inhibitions. My psychological behaviors, now that I look back on them, are so completely foreign to who I truly am that I’m darkly impressed, and a little uncomfortable. As I said though, I forgive myself for it because I know I was trying to do what made sense to me at the time, and that’s all any of us can do. Having been under the spell of a religion in the past, I have already learned about the importance of forgiveness with respect to your past actions, and this is something that will bring me closure to expose in greater detail, and so it’s on my agenda to do so in future blog posts.
I thought I would stay in that amino because I wanted to be someone who could say, “Hey, you can do this. You can be a Satanist and be true to yourself at the same time.” But, then, as time went on, and this apostate continued thinking about her own situation and what she wanted, she realized, “You don’t have to try so hard.” I’m going to share information here about my journey in leaving Satanism because I know there are people out there who would benefit from it. I know there are people who were looking forward to reading my series about Hypocrisy in Satanism and I hope you forgive me for not posting it there, in Satanists Amino. Simply put: the rest of the community is not ready to do the brave thing that you are. You are willing to question everything. You are willing to do what’s right for YOU, be damned what other people think or want, be damned what you’re supposed to do. Whether you find your fit in Satanism or not, I hope that hearing my journey helps you. It’s why we’re here. I want to support you. I’m going to do that by telling you my story.
Ave Witch will not close due to my leaving this religion. Satanism is a keynote topic here, but it isn't the only topic that I have covered. Keep your eyes open for renovations around the site, and please bear with me as I tackle the housekeeping one step at a time. It is still an emotional experience for me, and apostasy is never easy for anyone, even someone who has already undertaken it once. If you choose to continue to stay with me for a while, I'll share with you some of the things about Satanism that didn't work. In that sense, hopefully you will have exposure to a true "Third Side Perspective" that you'll never be able to find in the ruckus of the angry misinformed, or the kind reverend publishing thought provoking content on Youtube...But, if this is goodbye for you, I understand. I'll be here next week with a new blog post. May your choices follow your heart into the future a well!
Stay smart, stay safe!
Who is the Witch?
Once I called myself a Christian, then an atheist, and a Satanist. At the end of the day, I'm just a person who is living her truth one day at a time. I'm interested in religion, its effects on the mind, the occult, and more. Learn more about me on the about page.