Dear Arrogant Apprentices,
Greetings. We’re probably going to be very happy to meet you, so long as we all get off on the right foot. This blog is an open letter to all of those potential “Arrogant Apprentices” out there who demand to be converted or indoctrinated into Satanism and inject themselves into the life of an unwilling Satanist as their unsolicited "apprentice." Although, even if you aren’t one of those "Arrogant Apprentices," you may as well continue since you may pick up a helpful pointer or two in how to get the most out of your adventure. :)
We won't convert you. Please stop asking.
Let’s get started right away by immediately clearing up your first potential obscene misunderstanding in etiquette: we refuse to convert you to Satanism, and if you ask you will effectively murder any positive first impression you hoped to make with your zealous and emphatic dedication to the subject. This may come as a surprise to you, and you may also be surprised that we refuse to “teach you” Satanism as well. Allow me to explain? You see, when you take this role of “recipient of knowledge,” you are either ignorantly or arrogantly attempting to cast us in the role of “provider of knowledge.” You attempt to require us to accommodate your desires without lifting a finger to accommodate ours, a thing which comes off as entitled, disrespectful, and transitory. We know you haven’t thought any of this through because if you had, you would have approached this a little bit differently. We recognize that you are accustomed to being preached to, and we know you’ve probably heard some disturbing things that either seem intriguing or flat out wrong, but what you must first understand is that we aren’t missionaries. Our day is just as beautiful without having an Arrogant Apprentice hanging on our belt loop, especially when we didn’t actually invite them to even touch us in the first place. (Clearly we are happy to answer questions and provide feedback, but this is altogether different than demanding that we become your priest.)
How to summon a demon/Satan/A semi-pissed off Satanist
The second most important thing for you to be aware of, young Arrogant Apprentice, is regarding magic, demons, and ritual. This is another subject that has a high risk of you accidentally destroying any rapport you’ve been able to establish between you and the Satanic community, so allow me to acquaint you with the Satanic perspective that will explain all of our responses in this area: “If you have to ask for it, it’ll never be yours.” This may be a strange thing to hear regarding magic and demons but can be understood when you take a moment to realize that the concepts of demonic possession, Satan worshiping, and wand waving (as associated with this religion by the Right-Hand Path) only exist due to mechanically generated fairytales, fear, and misinformation. We will not teach you how to be possessed by a demon because your expectations of what that means does not translate into our language. Spellcasting is not Harry Potter, it’s an advanced practice that does not involve unicorn hair and cedar wood. Our invocation to Satan(s) has nothing to do with summoning a physical being to stand before us in a conjuring circle—Sam Winchester only exists on the silver screen (unless you have the misfortune to share his name, anyway). In short: Do not ask us how to do these things. Teach yourself about them and do not expect to be handed a recipe from Julia Child’s Demonic Cookbook of Satanic Spellcasting.
We are authorities of ourselves; not messiahs of Satanism.
The last subject to surface is something that you probably know but haven’t quite digested yet: we Satanists have an awful reputation despite often being wonderful people. This impacts you in a few quiet ways that you clearly haven’t considered yet. Asking for a mentor from just anybody is a sure way to get yourself taken advantage of. Without doing the research to understand the fundamental basics, how would you know if someone was intentionally misleading you to do something illegal and antithetical to the religion? You’d have no idea. You pose yourself as a pawn in someone else’s game when you don’t take control of your own experiences and learning. This religion requires study. You need to start somewhere with it, and we can point you in that direction, but it’s going to be up to you to read the material and decide what it means for yourself.
How to tell if you're a Satanist
(You probably aren't if you need to ask.)
Overall, Satanism isn’t for everyone. We’re happy that you’re learning about us since there are so many misunderstandings about who we are, but bear in mind that there is no race to learning and there is no need for you to feel like you need to change who you are in order to “fit in.” In fact, changing yourself for the purpose of “fitting in” with the religion is distinctly un-Satanic. If you need to change yourself in order to accommodate our belief systems, I can save you some time and assure you that you aren’t a Satanist—and that’s okay. You are still very welcome to engage with our community, and you are still very welcome to honor our beliefs and observe our tenets however so they best suit you. Thank yourself for taking the time to read this letter: by doing so you’ve effectively “charmed yourself” out of being that Arrogant Apprentice in taking this ‘arcane’ information to heart. You are now ready to go reintroduce yourself to the community, so pass through the fires of Hell enlightened and unscathed!
Who is the Witch?
Once I called myself a Christian, then an atheist, and a Satanist. At the end of the day, I'm just a person who is living her truth one day at a time. I'm interested in religion, its effects on the mind, the occult, and more. Learn more about me on the about page.